Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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