So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
