god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
