If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
