My hand turned me down
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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