Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dear god my vagina.
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