you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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