Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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