I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
