Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
