Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
