I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize