It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
