do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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