I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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