So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
