maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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