My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
