I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
