last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How external is "for external use only"?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize