3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
