Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
