Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
