Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize