You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
