I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
