Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
