so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize