I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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