I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
