Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm passing your future prison.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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