did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
