Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
the night ended with taco bell and tears
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
