I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
