There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
