i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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