oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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