Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
