I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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