Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
