i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
