She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
me + whiskey = a bad person
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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