i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
