I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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