the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
