The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
