I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
