She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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