I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
