I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
