Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
