I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
