So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
