he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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