How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
