Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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