I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
