accomplished twins. life is a go
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize