if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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