Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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