Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
