The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
