so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've blown a few things in my day
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize