Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
